Friday, January 8, 2010

guilty as charged!

ok, i'll bite. my first entry for crazy hip bloggers and parentopia. they have asked us to write about mommy guilt. the ironic part is that i was just thinking today that i am starting to feel a bit guilty about lack of time given to maya.

it's strange because i've not felt this way before but the last six months i have been lucky enough to get respite via the state. this has been so wonderful on so many levels, and now part of me is super guilty that i'm not with my daughter 24/7. during respite hours i'm usually running errands without maya (it is so much easier) and other times i try and make some time to balance my-self out. today while maya and i were having some quiet time together, i started to think that i should spend more time with her. there are so many things that i want to do with her, but it feels like time escapes me. (and i'm a stay at home mama, you'd think there would be plenty of time. not so, it seems.)

in my mind i think...i need to push her more on walking, i need to make her cruise more, stand more, i need to work more with her chewy tube, her self feeding skills, her pincer grasp, her peg board....the list goes on and on. and then there is the food. in my dream world i'd be one of those mothers that cooks homemade meals everyday, i'd mash it up for her and freeze it for later, i'd experiment with different kind of veggies and create new dishes for her. i have been trying to puree basic veggies for her, like carrots and zucchini, but otherwise than that i have been giving her the standby baby food. because she only has 6 1/2 teeth technically and is still learning how to chew and move food around in her mouth, feeding has been a challenge. still i feel as if i should make more of an effort.

maybe i'm over thinking things because i'm a first time mom, maybe it's because she has down syndrome and we have to work hard at every milestone. whatever the case, i do accept that all moms probably feel a tinge of guilt somewhere along their journey. as long as i acknowledge these feelings and then let them be, they don't seem to take over who i am.

one of my favorite mantras is "so be it". when i feel like i should do more, be more, give more, i try to chant, very slowly and softly, "so be it, so be it, so be it" ...and then let go.


Kelli said...

Wow, great post!! I completely understand what you are talking about because I so often feel that way. I tell Colin's therapists all the time that I feel like a lot of my days are spent worried about what tasks I DIDN'T accomplish with Colin, rather than focus on the things that we DID work on.

Becca said...

Yep, I am so there. LOL You're right about the respite, too. We used to have it on Saturdays, and I felt so happy to be able to go run errands, but felt bad because it was cutting into our time together. Great post!!

Rosa said...

You can not say it better. It is the way I feel sometimes, specially because I work full time. I feel every minute I am at home I have to do something to stimulate my son because I am not with him all the time. But I have learned that let him to explore and learn on his own is important, too. There is a book title "Bright from the start". This book has helped me to stimulate my son without feeling the guilt. It was wrote for a lady that has a daughter with multiple disabilities. This book is wrote from the aspect how the babies brain works. I try to apply 75% of what the book says and it is working for us.

Jen Currier said...

I'm thinking that it is a built-in Motherly guilt no matter what (DS or not!) I try to remember that when you do have those alone times to easily run errands and things, that you are re-fueling yourself, so you can come back and be a more attentive, patient Mother. (Now- I may need you to remind me of this down the line!!) :)