Sunday, October 12, 2008

perfectly maya

tomorrow will be maya's 7th month birthday. i can't believe it's been this long since i have had a chance to write. perhaps i felt a little more alone this last month than usual. being a mother is a tough job and as i have always believed, it is a selfless responsibility. for the majority of my life i never thought i would be a mother. the truth be told i've strayed away from it all on my own. i've always seen it as a big job, one that would require all my energy and love. but on top of that i knew that i would have to stop thinking of all the things that i wanted and put another human first.

as maya grows right before my eyes, i see how a human can be molded to be the person they will become. so many times, i've looked at myself and wondered what would i have been if i would have had better role models. when these thoughts come to me i feel more determined to be a better person and mother for my daughter.

maya is my inspiration in so many ways. when i look at her and see how she is becoming her own person, i think that i could not ask for a better child. i cannot see my life without her just as she is. she is perfectly maya.

there are times when i wonder if i should be more sad because she has down syndrome. yes, of course i feel brief moments of sadness when i think of how others might treat her unfairly in the future. or of the struggles she might have to face after we are gone. but most minutes, hours and days i feel proud that she is my daughter. because she is who she is, i have decided to devote my life, to her life. it seems that no other thing matters to me more now that i have her.

when i think about making art, all i can think about is how maya is my muse. maya is my art. sometimes when it's just me and her, and she is looking directly into my eyes, i know deep in my heart that she is the best thing that i have ever made.