Tuesday, September 22, 2009

dreaming of maya


last night i dreamt of maya walking to me. i knew it was a dream but it felt so real. she was with her dada and he was leaving for work. he put her down and she walked over to me and cruised the bed to reach me. it was a sweet, sweet dream.

i haven't written in a long time for various reasons. what can i say, i'm busy of course. being a mama is hard work, the hardest job i've ever done so far. but to be honest there is another reason. i've been escaping into another world when i get the chance. i'm usually so exhausted mentally that by the end of the day i don't feel like recapping what i did, or thinking of all the work i have to do tomorrow. so i've been reading some mindless books. something totally opposite of my life. it's been good to just get away and not think about what i deal with everyday.

don't get me wrong i love maya and i love being a mama. i love it more than i thought i would actually. but my life is sometimes hard. being positive for my family, for maya and myself takes a lot of energy. i don't for a second think that i would ever change the way maya is. she is happy, she is mischievous, she has a great temperament and she has down syndrome.

the weight of her having down syndrome, is always there. i don't think anyone who has a "typical" kid can truly understand that. and of late i have been trying to connect with other mom's, all of them have "typical" kids. it's mostly selfish because i am a social creature and i need the connection. but it is also for maya. i want her to interact with others as much as possible. i want her to learn from her peers and i also want them to learn from her. but in doing this connecting i see other children, younger than her and a bit older than her moving way beyond where she is physically and mentally. it always brings an awareness of how far we have to go.

i wish there was a group of mothers that had children with down syndrome who i could play with instead. then maybe i wouldn't have to live in two worlds everyday. in one world my daughter is always smaller than the others, not talking or walking like the others. in the other world she is most certainly on a high achieving level, she signs over 30 words, she is very close to walking, and she is very easy going. when i look at my daughter i don't see the down syndrome part of her. i just see an amazing person waiting to blossom. but i can not get away from the fact that my daughter is a bit different than the other kids her age. every part of her development will take longer and it will be a struggle. it is what it is.

so here i am finally getting to write about things that make my heart ache. i will write them so others will understand what my life is like. it isn't a bad life, in fact it is the best life i could ever wish to have. i am learning so many things about human development for instance. i am a speech, physical, and occupational therapist rolled into one. but most importantly i am just a mommy who wishes the best for her daughter. this is the part i think i was meant to learn the most.

well, let's see where this road less travelled takes us...

2 comments:

Sonia said...

You know, even with typical kids you will think the what if's and why not's! I did it with both the older kids and I stopped with Lillian.

It's so hard to be around parents with typical kids, but I found that most of the time it's no biggie. I enjoy watching the kids play together and learn from each other, it's so sweet. I basque in it now because I know as she gets older it won't get much easier.

However...if I'm going to go that route of comparison, then I would be so jealous that Maya knows 30 signs! Lillian knows maybe 1! It's almost as if she just refuses to learn them, she looks blank when I use them with her! So aggravating!

datri said...

It's hard not comparing. Kayla's five and I still do it. And it's still heartbreaking sometimes.